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How to Torture Your Teacher
by Bruce Lansky

Only raise your hand when
you want to sharpen your pencil
or go to the bathroom.
Repeat every ten minutes.

Never raise your hand
when you want to answer a question;
instead, yell, "Oooh! Oooh! Oooh!"
and then, when the teacher calls on you,
say, "I forgot what I was going to say."

Lean your chair back,
take off your shoes, and
put your feet up on your desk.
Act surprised when the teacher
puts all four legs of your chair back on the floor.

Drop the eraser end of your pencil
on your desk.
See how high it will bounce.

Drop your books on the floor.
See how loud a noise you can make.

Hum.
Get all your friends to join in.

Hold your nose,
make a face, and say, "P.U.!"
Fan the air away from your face,
and point to the kid in front of you.

On the last day of school,
lead your classmates in chanting:
"No more pencils!
No more books!
No more teachers’
dirty looks!"

Then, on your way out
the door, tell the teacher,
"Bet you’re looking forward
to summer vacation this year.
But I’ll sure miss you.
You’re the best teacher
I’ve ever had."

 

Text © Bruce Lansky, reprinted from No More Homework! No More Tests! published by Meadowbrook Press. Illustration © Stephen Carpenter. Any copying or use of this poem or illustration without consent is unlawful.

 


The Story Behind the Poem:
When I visit schools, kids ask me to read this poem most often. If I get the okay from the teacher, I pick nine students to read it—one student per stanza. It gets lots of laughs—especially the stanza about "P.U."


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